buddhism taught me to live for the first time
How Buddhism lifted a heavy burden from my shoulders
Alan Watts and The Way of Zen
was the first book I read this year. Actually it was my second time reading it, but this time I felt like I really got it. Buddhism (and I'm mostly talking about Mahayana here) is kind of magical in its teachings. It opens your eyes to the unity of everything, the cosmic play that is the universe. At the same time it shows you that there really is nothing else than THIS, or thatness (tathatā), the very basic but at the same time undefineably deep dot of existence, that you can feel and see in everything. It sounds grand when described in this way, but to understand it you just need to see things as they are in reality, not in the world of illusions (maya), where we define things as X or Y. They really are just that. There really is no better word to describe anything.
It also shows you that there is no self. By the self I mean (or rather Watts meant) the symbolic self that you create out of your own existence. This self is the roles and stories you tell about yourself. For example, I'm koksan, I'm a cyber security analyst, I'm also a student, I am someone's boyfriend. These are all symbolic roles that we build in order to create a sense of permanence in the world. But these are not real. They try to describe reality, but they actually just build on the illusion. I could have all of the roles I described taken away from me and what would I be? Of course I would still be just me, or more accurately that. One small part in the mystical organism that is the universe.
So what am I? Just like what my leg is to me, I'm a part of a larger whole. What is my purpose? That's simple: What is the purpose of a leg? To walk of course! Your one and only reason of existence is to be just to be that which you are. The spontantenious thing that came into this world from this world.
The world has given you everything, the existence, but at the same time it has nothing to offer to you. It cannot give you anything that you don't already have. Don't you already have everything? It is inside and around of you. When the self you call yourself ends, you can't take anything with you. It all stays here. This should not be understood in a pessimistic way: Isn't this the greatest and most ecstatic feeling in the world? That you can just be? That you can let your spontantenious nature to flourish? That there will be no debt collector waiting for you at the end of your turn? No matter what happens, you will be okay. I have never felt this reassured before.
So what does this mean?
It means that you are free. You are free to be spontantenious, to live a life that springs out of you. Problems like death or where the world is going are born from the illusion of the permanence of a self that we try to create. The only time you ever live is right now, this moment, so even death is just an abstraction of something that does not in any real way exist for you. Do you think you will feel sorrow once you are dead? Did you feel sad before you came to existence?
I feel like these realizations are finally setting me free. I can really just do anything. Life is no longer an obstacle, something I need to overcome, something I need to excel in or something I need to build a house upon. It's just a bridge to cross over, with a beautiful sunset over the horizon. Why not just enjoy the view for a while before crossing over? I think this is grandly inspirational and also helps you to spring into action. There are stuff that you naturally want to do but you constrain yourself. You say you are not ready, that it's scary, that you might fail. Yes, you might. Who knows? But at the same time, if that's what your spontantenious nature is striving for, then why not try it? Why not commit to the life that is coming out of you?
This book is not perfect. You do not even have to finish the whole thing, but I'm begging you, if you feel the heavy weight of the world on your shoulders, read the first half and see if it gets any easier. For me it took two reads with 3 years between them, for a more attentive reader one read should be enough. At first I was looking for something, but now I realize it was there all along. All I had to do was open my eyes. Thank you Mr. Watts for helping me do that.